Today

Was horrendous.

Exhausting.

More lies.  You'd think I might have learnt by now.

You see I was not a great lawyer  but I was completely dogged at research.

And in my inability to let this all go I found out more. 

I know enough now.

Still....cannot....let go .... of 20 years. He has been my best friend that long.  

Best friends don't do that to each other though.

Blossom - thank you for the beautiful quilt.

Seed - please know that you will get your photo soon.

Joke - truly I am OK.  Or will be.

Elizabeth - thank you for the music.

Duyvken - I still get tears in my eyes thinking of you returning after you had left - bearing that chicken and the potato bake.

Eleanor - my joy bird...my friend.

Kim - your jam!  Because god almighty I am so not losing weight!

Shula's absolute understanding of my confusion.

Suse's gentleness.

The emails, the texts, the phone calls from all of you  and  the friends in real life who have stood by me.

My mother.

My children.

Blessed in so many ways I am.

joy will return - it will return

it will seep through the crack'd arteries of my heart

it will blaze in my eyes.

it will shine in my face.

it will be reflected in the faces of my children.

it

will

be 

mine.

Just bereft right now.